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ExamForce :: Article Archive :: Newsletter Article
 The Cert Times: IT Edition Article Archive
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| Tooth Time (B1N@RY N@T10N (A.J. Axline)) |
I am writing this week's column under duress, as I am currently experiencing the worst toothache I have ever had in my life. The pain starts in my tooth, curves upwards across the roof of my mouth, goes straight up into my right eye, and then shoots down the side of my trachea and into my right arm. The pain is such that, if my doorbell were to ring and I opened the door to discover a feces-covered junkie standing there, and if said junkie pulled a half-filled needle out of their arm and offered it to me, I would take the proffered needle and jam it into my neck without so much as stopping to say "Thank you, Miss Winehouse!"
Here's the kicker: this isn't a new tooth problem... the searing, blistering agony is coming from one of the teeth the dentist worked on THE LAST TIME I saw him, just weeks ago.
So now, instead of taking the very appropriate action of showing up at his front door in the wee hours of the morning so I can plant a snowy boot into his still bed-sweaty gonads, I have to call his office first thing in the morning and beg for an emergency appointment. Because, I get off on paying people a lot of money to cause me pain. I'm like Max Mosely, except I wear more appropriate costumes.
If you have followed me for awhile, you've heard me rant about the present state of dental technology. Dental offices may be newer and shinier, but the field of dentistry still hasn't come any further than the ridiculously antiquated drill-and-fill operation its practitioners adopted millennia ago. Oh sure, dentists can currently bleach your teeth so white that you can use your smile to signal interstellar craft, but when it comes to tooth decay, they have nothing more to offer you than semi-civilized butchery with TV screens and complimentary headphones.
Archeologists have found teeth with dental drill markings on them dating back to 6000 BC. Yes, you read that correctly. Dentists have been drilling teeth for over 8000 years. Way to advance that technology, you sadist jackasses! However, there's no record of when dentists started handing out minty dental floss after visits. And, can you explain the logic of that to me? All I hear during my visits is snotty, condescending criticism of my oral hygiene, and then while I'm at the front counter taking out a second mortgage on my house to pay for the most-recent round of interrogation theatre sports, my "your business is valuable to us!" customer perk is to be handed 50 feet of cinnamon-flavored string along with the unspoken comment, "Give it a try, you decay-riddled jerkoff."
Listen up, Driller Killers: you are embarrassing yourselves. We don't believe that this is the best you can do. There has to be more to dental technology than better-tasting fluoride rinses and pointier needles. The other health practitioners are laughing at you during recess. In the technological pyramid of health sciences, you are the Amish. It's time for you to change the 8000-year-old paradigm, and come up with something less invasive than drills and tooth-colored cement.
And, stop charging so much for the nitrous. Because, I want to have that mask over my nose from the time I enter the office until I groggily come to my senses in my car in the parking lot. Just stuff the complimentary floss in my shirt pocket, and keep the mask on me like I'm Frank Booth in Blue Velvet. Because, when it comes to valuable dentist customer perks, semi-consciousness ROCKS THE FREE WORLD.
A.J. Axline posts once a week on The Chaos Jester, and is starting to become disillusioned with ibuprofen.
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Posted by
nam on 28/04/2008 14:10 |
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