Your Horrorscope (sic) for 2011
(Author’s note: I actually chose and wrote the subject matter for this month’s issue well in advance of the recent kerfuffle concerning astrological signs possibly being out of whack. But, if you are feeling a little disconcerted by the fact that some professor is messing with your chart, I would invite you to freely choose any one of the following horoscopes that matches up with your world view, or your police record. Don’t feel confined: hell, I didn’t even put dates beside the signs or put them in the correct order. Because, I care. – AA)
SCORPIO
Hello Scorpio. The moon is in your house to start the new year. What is the moon doing in your house? Don’t ask me. I didn’t invite the moon into your house. Oh sure, I brought a comet, and it brought two small asteroids which I figured was okay based on your invitation. But the moon? It’s not with me. So, if the moon gets liquored up and lights your couch on fire, don’t blame me and my celestial friends.
LIBRA
Oh Libra. Your sign rhymes with “zebra” and sort of rhymes with “Hebrew”. It’s no wonder that you are as conflicted as a Jewish ungulate this year. You should try to avoid sticky situations, particularly literal ones. People will try to tie you down this year, and not in a hogging your calendar or having an alternative lifestyle kind of way.
TAURUS
Yours is the sign of the bull, dear Taurus, and like the bull, you are driven by your intense hatred of flamboyant, colorful Spaniards. Channel this energy into some charity work, such as feeding some destitute travel agents. Remember that the red cape is nothing but a distraction, much like the White House Press Secretary.
ARIES
Aries: you are passionate and inappropriate, like cousin love. God help the person who gets between you and whatever it is you are after this year, because you will go through that person like a hastily eaten goat kabob washed down with a pint of gin.
PISCES
Pisces people are, as their sign suggests, damp and smelling of fish. You should bathe, and dry yourself with a clean towel, and use powder as often as is convenient. Don’t be afraid to ask people how you smell; even complete strangers will answer with candor, especially on an elevator. Try to eat more chicken this year.
CANCER
Oh Cancer, you most unfortunately named of all the signs. Even your symbolic representation, the crab, is an offbeat reference to an unpleasant disease. But, you should take heart in the fact that while you will most assuredly die from some form of your astrological namesake in the future, you do have some measure of control over getting crabs.
SAGITTARIUS
What is it with you, Sagittarius? What is it with your nearly impossible to spell sign (really, double soft-g’s? I suppose you perform online searches using ‘Goojell’, while eating chicken ‘nujets’ and a crusty French ‘bajet’) and your superior attitude, and your whiter-than-white teeth, and your new tractor that the entire village chipped in to buy for you when your old tractor died–and wasn’t THAT a huge scene with the cheering throngs and the crocodile tears spilling down your face like giant drops of insincere pus?
VIRGO
Virgo, you are the most misunderstood of all the signs. People mistake your fastidious nature for nitpicking. They misinterpret your striving for an orderly environment with control issues. Even the person who you share your life with seems to be totally incapable of squeezing a tube of toothpaste properly. They can’t replace a roll of toilet paper to save their life, and even when they do occasionally manage to do so, they invariably put it on the spindle the wrong way. And that’s just the bathroom; don’t even get you STARTED on the kitchen.
CAPRICORN
Do you know what I admire the most about you, Capricorn? Your unyielding tenacity once you have set your mind to a task. You are like a crusading knight successfully tracking down the Holy Grail, or like that chick from the first “Saw” movie who scrambles through that guy’s guts to get the key to get the reverse bear trap off of her head. What I’m saying is that this year, you may be called upon to participate in a noble quest, or to dig through the darkest places of a human being. However it goes, you should try to pack a fresh shirt.
LEO
2011 will be a good year to be a Leo. People will fear you, and run screaming when you walk into the office. Noses will begin to bleed when you raise your voice. Dogs will whimper and avoid making eye contact with you. Even inanimate objects like your toaster will be wary when you enter the kitchen, thinking of freshly toasted English muffins. Yes, this is your year Leo! Enjoy it, because 2012 is going to use you like a milking machine, and not in a pressure relieving kind of way.
GEMINI
Gemini, yours is the sign of the twins. And, like twins, you often speak in a strange language that is incomprehensible even to your closest family and friends. Your sign is going to be heavily influenced by Venus early in the year, enveloping you in highly-reflective clouds of boiling sulfuric acid; this won’t be a good time for romance.
AQUARIUS
Aquarius, just like the other water signs, you understand the thrill of using elaborate animal costumes and non-lethal leg hold traps to spice up what would otherwise have been a mundane, run-of-the-mill baptism. Others are jealous of your spontaneity, which is why you end up spending more time in police interrogation rooms than is normal. Don’t stop being true to yourself, no matter what some “judge” says.
A.J. Axline
SCORPIO
Hello Scorpio. The moon is in your house to start the new year. What is the moon doing in your house? Don’t ask me. I didn’t invite the moon into your house. Oh sure, I brought a comet, and it brought two small asteroids which I figured was okay based on your invitation. But the moon? It’s not with me. So, if the moon gets liquored up and lights your couch on fire, don’t blame me and my celestial friends.
LIBRA
Oh Libra. Your sign rhymes with “zebra” and sort of rhymes with “Hebrew”. It’s no wonder that you are as conflicted as a Jewish ungulate this year. You should try to avoid sticky situations, particularly literal ones. People will try to tie you down this year, and not in a hogging your calendar or having an alternative lifestyle kind of way.
TAURUS
Yours is the sign of the bull, dear Taurus, and like the bull, you are driven by your intense hatred of flamboyant, colorful Spaniards. Channel this energy into some charity work, such as feeding some destitute travel agents. Remember that the red cape is nothing but a distraction, much like the White House Press Secretary.
ARIES
Aries: you are passionate and inappropriate, like cousin love. God help the person who gets between you and whatever it is you are after this year, because you will go through that person like a hastily eaten goat kabob washed down with a pint of gin.
PISCES
Pisces people are, as their sign suggests, damp and smelling of fish. You should bathe, and dry yourself with a clean towel, and use powder as often as is convenient. Don’t be afraid to ask people how you smell; even complete strangers will answer with candor, especially on an elevator. Try to eat more chicken this year.
CANCER
Oh Cancer, you most unfortunately named of all the signs. Even your symbolic representation, the crab, is an offbeat reference to an unpleasant disease. But, you should take heart in the fact that while you will most assuredly die from some form of your astrological namesake in the future, you do have some measure of control over getting crabs.
SAGITTARIUS
What is it with you, Sagittarius? What is it with your nearly impossible to spell sign (really, double soft-g’s? I suppose you perform online searches using ‘Goojell’, while eating chicken ‘nujets’ and a crusty French ‘bajet’) and your superior attitude, and your whiter-than-white teeth, and your new tractor that the entire village chipped in to buy for you when your old tractor died–and wasn’t THAT a huge scene with the cheering throngs and the crocodile tears spilling down your face like giant drops of insincere pus?
VIRGO
Virgo, you are the most misunderstood of all the signs. People mistake your fastidious nature for nitpicking. They misinterpret your striving for an orderly environment with control issues. Even the person who you share your life with seems to be totally incapable of squeezing a tube of toothpaste properly. They can’t replace a roll of toilet paper to save their life, and even when they do occasionally manage to do so, they invariably put it on the spindle the wrong way. And that’s just the bathroom; don’t even get you STARTED on the kitchen.
CAPRICORN
Do you know what I admire the most about you, Capricorn? Your unyielding tenacity once you have set your mind to a task. You are like a crusading knight successfully tracking down the Holy Grail, or like that chick from the first “Saw” movie who scrambles through that guy’s guts to get the key to get the reverse bear trap off of her head. What I’m saying is that this year, you may be called upon to participate in a noble quest, or to dig through the darkest places of a human being. However it goes, you should try to pack a fresh shirt.
LEO
2011 will be a good year to be a Leo. People will fear you, and run screaming when you walk into the office. Noses will begin to bleed when you raise your voice. Dogs will whimper and avoid making eye contact with you. Even inanimate objects like your toaster will be wary when you enter the kitchen, thinking of freshly toasted English muffins. Yes, this is your year Leo! Enjoy it, because 2012 is going to use you like a milking machine, and not in a pressure relieving kind of way.
GEMINI
Gemini, yours is the sign of the twins. And, like twins, you often speak in a strange language that is incomprehensible even to your closest family and friends. Your sign is going to be heavily influenced by Venus early in the year, enveloping you in highly-reflective clouds of boiling sulfuric acid; this won’t be a good time for romance.
AQUARIUS
Aquarius, just like the other water signs, you understand the thrill of using elaborate animal costumes and non-lethal leg hold traps to spice up what would otherwise have been a mundane, run-of-the-mill baptism. Others are jealous of your spontaneity, which is why you end up spending more time in police interrogation rooms than is normal. Don’t stop being true to yourself, no matter what some “judge” says.
A.J. Axline
