B1N@RY N@T10N
Christmas Spirits
I rubbed sleep out of my eyes, and then glared at each of the three ghosts in turn.
"So, just so we have this all straight... you are telling me that my childhood experiences shaped my current adult self; you're saying that my current adult self is not particularly charitable or accepting; and you... well, you haven't actually said anything, but I was able to deduce from our little adventure that I eventually die, and not a lot of people care."
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"So, just so we have this all straight... you are telling me that my childhood experiences shaped my current adult self; you're saying that my current adult self is not particularly charitable or accepting; and you... well, you haven't actually said anything, but I was able to deduce from our little adventure that I eventually die, and not a lot of people care."
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Thanks (for William S. Burroughs)
Thanksgiving Day, November 25 2010:
Thanks for limitless cheap manufacturing in China, which has enabled America's workers to abandon the tedious chore of making things, and move on to the much more exciting phase of not working at all.
Thanks for inexpensive, practical, working electric cars. We don't have them, except maybe in a giant warehouse next to the Ark of the Covenant, but it's still great to think about what they could do for mankind one day.
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Thanks for limitless cheap manufacturing in China, which has enabled America's workers to abandon the tedious chore of making things, and move on to the much more exciting phase of not working at all.
Thanks for inexpensive, practical, working electric cars. We don't have them, except maybe in a giant warehouse next to the Ark of the Covenant, but it's still great to think about what they could do for mankind one day.
Read More »
We All Have Our Favorite Holidays
"Aren't you a little old to be trick 'r treating?" the woman in the doorway asked.
"Aren't you a little fat to be wearing a sexy cat costume?" Vector replied. "What, do you have feline diabetes? That's pretty subtle for a Halloween getup."
The door slammed in our faces.
Vector and I glanced at each other, both of us dressed as Death, complete with hourglasses and scythes (we had argued after our grand costume reveal who was better equipped to portray Death, until we agreed to table the argument because valuable candy hoarding time was trickling away), shrugged, and started towards the next house.
"I don't und...
"Aren't you a little fat to be wearing a sexy cat costume?" Vector replied. "What, do you have feline diabetes? That's pretty subtle for a Halloween getup."
The door slammed in our faces.
Vector and I glanced at each other, both of us dressed as Death, complete with hourglasses and scythes (we had argued after our grand costume reveal who was better equipped to portray Death, until we agreed to table the argument because valuable candy hoarding time was trickling away), shrugged, and started towards the next house.
"I don't und...
Enjoy Your Popcorn, Loser
Heading out to see the FaceBook movie? That's because you are a loser. A big dumb-ass bag of suck who has bought into the hype surrounding a film that never should have been made, except maybe as a 70-minute documentary that still would have been less interesting than "Helvetica". FaceBook needs a major motion picture dedicated to its origin story, like Green Lantern needs a golden shower fetish.
So, here is WTF call-out number one-David Fincher, and Aaron Sorkin: shame on you. Sorkin, you did "Sports Night" and "The West Wing". Okay, your variety show behind-the-scenes TV series got its butt kicked by "30 Rock", but losing to Tina Fey is li...
So, here is WTF call-out number one-David Fincher, and Aaron Sorkin: shame on you. Sorkin, you did "Sports Night" and "The West Wing". Okay, your variety show behind-the-scenes TV series got its butt kicked by "30 Rock", but losing to Tina Fey is li...
The Death of The Death of Death (?)
Every few months, the mainstream tech press pundits recycle one of several "The Death Of...?" articles they keep in the back of the journalistic freezer until one of these articles seems topical enough to re-heat and scoop out onto the page. For example, the recent upswing in the sale of ebook readers prompted yet another round of "The Death of Paper Books?" stories, an annoyingly popular media meme that I remember being slopped to the trolls back in the 1990s.
(Hey, tech news hack: ebooks are fun and fine, but as long as there is a single acre of virgin old-growth forest left on the planet, there will be bound paper books. They are a dru...
(Hey, tech news hack: ebooks are fun and fine, but as long as there is a single acre of virgin old-growth forest left on the planet, there will be bound paper books. They are a dru...
The Silence of the iPhones
The Silence of the iPhones
The cell was fastidiously clean, neatly arranged, and very, very white. The bunk linens were white. The table and chair were white. There was a picture of a zebra; he had used correction fluid to white-out the black stripes. The tunic and pants he wore were white... but he had removed all of the buttons from them, for reasons known only to him.
"We don't know how his mind works, or where his power comes from," they had told me. "We only know that we fear it. We fear what it might eventually make us become."
"It was good of you to see me, Mr. Jobs," I said nervously.
"I'm always...
The cell was fastidiously clean, neatly arranged, and very, very white. The bunk linens were white. The table and chair were white. There was a picture of a zebra; he had used correction fluid to white-out the black stripes. The tunic and pants he wore were white... but he had removed all of the buttons from them, for reasons known only to him.
"We don't know how his mind works, or where his power comes from," they had told me. "We only know that we fear it. We fear what it might eventually make us become."
"It was good of you to see me, Mr. Jobs," I said nervously.
"I'm always...
The Other 10 Commandments for PC Techs
Ironically enough, I am writing this on a tablet. But, enough about my shiny new iPad...
Okay, here are the ten they didn't tell you about in tech class:
Okay, here are the ten they didn't tell you about in tech class:
- Don't eat Caesar salad right before a service call. Yeah, I'm talking to you, anchovy breath. No amount of Halo peppermints is going to cut through the miasma of garlic stench you'll generate while looking over somebody's shoulder at their recurring error message.
- It's not the volts that kill you--it's the amps. Electricity is not your friend. It doesn't listen to pleas for mercy; it doesn't feel pity. Electricity is an angry god, and it demands occasional sacrifi...
Commence With the Shambling
"Graduating Class of 2010, tenured professors, sweating, nervous non-tenured professors, hidden surveillance droids, invisible fey creatures, curious alien travelers hidden among us studying our odd cultural rituals, honored guests."
"We are all here today to celebrate your great achievement at this well-respected, long-venerated, and sorely under-funded educational institution. Everyone here, that is, except for those individuals who are being paid to serve refreshments, let your family members know where the restrooms are, or deliver commencement speeches. But, everyone else is here to celebrate your great achievement. Oh, and the people w...
"We are all here today to celebrate your great achievement at this well-respected, long-venerated, and sorely under-funded educational institution. Everyone here, that is, except for those individuals who are being paid to serve refreshments, let your family members know where the restrooms are, or deliver commencement speeches. But, everyone else is here to celebrate your great achievement. Oh, and the people w...
Facebook: Building Beautiful Memories One Status Update at a Time
A.J. Axline now knows that you shouldn't ask the guys working at the car wash to "make sure they give you a good rim job."
A.J. Axline would buy an iPad if it came with "state-of-the-art destructive capability."
A.J. Axline is happy. And, he knows it. But, he's not clapping his hands.
A.J. Axline goes to 11.
A.J. Axline is bending his Wookie.
A.J. Axline doesn't have time to read every restraining order that comes in the mail. Give me a break, Judge.
A.J. Axline and Cthuhlu are now friends.
A.J. Axline is flabbergasted to learn that you need a license to legally pump fluid int...
A.J. Axline would buy an iPad if it came with "state-of-the-art destructive capability."
A.J. Axline is happy. And, he knows it. But, he's not clapping his hands.
A.J. Axline goes to 11.
A.J. Axline is bending his Wookie.
A.J. Axline doesn't have time to read every restraining order that comes in the mail. Give me a break, Judge.
A.J. Axline and Cthuhlu are now friends.
A.J. Axline is flabbergasted to learn that you need a license to legally pump fluid int...
Playing to the Cloud
"Thank you for joining me for today's brainstorming session," I told the group. "I hope that everyone has helped themselves to the complimentary caffeinated beverages, and high-fructose corn syrup-laden snacks."
"This is a right-proper brainstorming session," Red Sonja said. "First, you've provided everyone with a fantastic grab bag filled with all sorts of antiquated techie handouts you've collected from trade shows, conferences, and conventions over the years."
"I am particularly fond of the Office XP multi-pen," Robert the Bruce said. "And, the Novell NetWare 5 toffee hammer is a whimsical, thoughtful addition."
"And...
"This is a right-proper brainstorming session," Red Sonja said. "First, you've provided everyone with a fantastic grab bag filled with all sorts of antiquated techie handouts you've collected from trade shows, conferences, and conventions over the years."
"I am particularly fond of the Office XP multi-pen," Robert the Bruce said. "And, the Novell NetWare 5 toffee hammer is a whimsical, thoughtful addition."
"And...
